Posts by Onion

    Happened this morning. Looking out the window this morn with my coffee and a joint. Already done my shit and shave. I seen the lady across the street leaving for work. Got in her car and then I see a dark cat dart out from under the car. She got out and I seen her go over to where the thing went under her house. I seen her fat ass as she bent over trying to get the fukin cat out she was crying.

    I yelled out my door "what the hell is going on Rosaritta?" She came running over with her big tits slamming up and down all crying and carrying on. "I started my car and my cat was in the engine. I heard a awful noise! I think he's dead!" I almost blurted out thank god cuz that fukin cat is always walking around outside.

    Anywayz. She said she could see it under the house and thought it was dead.

    I went over and had a look. I crawled a little under the house and my legs were outside. I seen the cat. It was dead. Broken neck. I yelled back. " He's in here! He's just sleeping! He's fine. I hear him purring and for a second he licked my finger." She wanted me to get him out but I said it's best to let him sleep and recover from her trying to kill it with gross negligence. I told her to run along to work sweetie and I'll get him out after he rests. She took off for work.

    Now I was thinking how fucked I was. That cat was dead as shit. Then I remembered there was another black cat around the hood. I put some tuna all around my place. Sure as shit after a hour I obserbed a feline cat eating out one of the cans. It was a black little shit. I grabbed it broke it's back by stomping on it.

    I took the thing over and crawled under the house grabbed the dead cat and put the crippled cat in there. It was crying like a bitch. I called my neighbor and told her new developments went on with her cat and she needs to get over here. I ran home and tossed the dead cat over my neighbors fence.

    Fat bitch gets home. I go over and tell her that I think her cat got hurt after all. I pulled the crippled cat out and started to show her real fast she so couldn't see too much but to see it was alive. I turned around with my back to her and acted like I was cradling the crippled cat. Se tried to run around to see but I kept turning my back to her. I said he don't look like he's gonna make it and hes suffering. This aint right to let him suffer. If you weren't so selfish you'd let him go. Then I smashed it on the ground and stomped on his head till it was unrecognizable. She thanked me for caring and for all I went through trying to help her dumb cat.

    I gave her hope and I let her say goodbye to "her" cat. She wouldn't have had that goodbye and closure without my good deed. I feelt really good about what I did.

    If I was Trump Id start launching cruise missiles at Putin and if he said anything Id act like I didn't know who launched them and say maybe it was Israel but we cant be sure but we'll get back to you when we learn more. Meantime keep launching them on over.

    Hello y'all, my name is Mel "Coon Dog" Cuntman. I live up Shit River, nestled under the tall pines of Pregnant Sow, somewhere USA. This is my Thanksgiving story. I swear by the light of the moon that every word is true.

    Woke up today to the sounds and smells of the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday - just a very family oriented day with good eats. I got up around 10 and Mrs Coon dog was already well into the preparations for the holiday meal. The smells of a home-cooked meal were already filling the kitchen. I started a fire in the fireplace and called the kids in for a story.

    Ah, the little ones; Dirty Cole, Shanataco , Easy Larry and Chums the dog. - 5, 7 and 10 respectively. Dirty Cole got his name because he's black. My little shit stains I call them! They take all he money I make and all the food I feed them and turn them into shit. Bahahahaha! Just kidding, I love those kids like they were my own - and they are... except maybe dirty Cole, I'm on the fence about that one.

    Anyway, me and the three shit stains sat around the fire and I told my stories, drank and did a little blow. By 11:30 I was pretty much all fucked up and kicking the dog. After awhile had to get up for my morning shit, so I put Easy in charge of the last story. I think it was when I was in the shitter clearing the decks that it all went down.

    From my perch in the shitter I took in the true sounds and smells of Thanksgiving. Time seemed to stop as I evacuated my bowels and piss hole. As I was wiping my asshole (I put some tp around my finger and really get up in there) I could hear the wife calling me to the table. I quickly pulled up my pants, took another hit off the pipe, wiped my hands down my pants and headed to the table. The bathroom has no running water.

    Whistling down the hall, I took a left turn into the kitchen as I smelled my finger. As I rounded the corner I could see that no one was fucking there! I called out.. "okay assholes, where's my fucking food god dammit! Where in Shit River are y'all hiding!!! Mother Fuckerssssssss!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!

    I was kicking shit all over the house and screaming and yelling. I got back into the kitchen and nobody was around. That's when I noticed it. The turkey platter on the dinner table with nothing but a pile of dirt on top. What the fuck? No food?? Fuck these assholes.

    I opened the oven... and nothing. Same with the fridge. Panicking, I flung all the cabinet and pantry doors open... and not a fucking thing inside any of them... nothing but piles of dirt! What in shit river is going on here?

    I spent the next few hours sitting on the couch wondering what was going on before the idea to go check around outside came into my mind. "They must be outside!" I thought. But fuck, it's been like 4 hours now! I grabbed my pig sloppin' boots and headed out to where the dirt is. Outside!

    Outside, I headed right for the weed garden out back. Overhead I could see a storm a com'n and the alien spacecraft were already becoming visible in the dusk shy. Hacking my way through the weeds I came upon a pile of dirt, kicked the dirt around and continued on through the weeds until I came across a freshly dug hole. This must be where the fucking dirt came from. "God dammit, I'm gonna kill that little bastard Cole!" I yelled out as I made my way the hole. Well motherfucker.... looks like I was too late for killing Cole. At the bottom of the hole lay a small black body. Cole. Cole was dead down there! Who could have done such a thing?? Oh my GOD!!

    Over the next hour, as the rain fell and the aliens played, I located the rest of the bodies. All of them had been dumped into freshly dug holes out in the weed garden. I felt numb... but also super hungry, so I took off to get some McRibs at Mickey D's. Fuck, those things are awesome. Why don't these assholes just keep them on the menu?

    Driving home I was thinking about what happened to all the food at the house. That's when it really hit home to me. Chums was missing. I raced home! Running to the door, I took off my pig sloppin boots. When I got inside, the 96 inch TV was playing the home movie I'd made when I was killing the family, but no Chum.

    So that's how I lost my dog on Thanksgiving.

    Went round the back of the beaner store near me and they had stacked crates of Roman lettuce by the trash. I asked one of the brown fellers hey bendayhoe what's this lettuce doing out her like this? He came back at me with a ola senior. The lettuce are for special friends like you. Free today.

    So fuck yeah, I took a couple crates. Fuck it. Why not.

    I went by my moms and gave her some and she made us a salad. I was telling her about how nice the Mexican dirt bag was and she told me they probably got something wrong with their heads.

    Are you using the drone for the inside the car filming too? I imagine you just let it hover over the paxinger seat or over the back seats while you drive and carry on.

    holy cat whiskers what I wouldn't do to have that ride. You gotta do a few mods on them like slugnutz says but don't listen to him about the mirrors or anything else. You need to weld the shocks front and back so they don't move anymore. These bikes you need to be feeling the road or you'll become part of the road in three seconds after cob the throttle.

    Next thing you do is reverse the throttle so it goes forward. Don't ask just do that and you'll thank me later.

    Make sure you check her oil and treat her like a lady. She'll be true to you if you're true to her.

    Be careful what you wish for. One day grandma might wake up as your stealing that kiss then BOOM you're rolling on the floor having the best sext you ever dreamed of with your own granny and you find yourself preaching it to the choir. That's when reality gets pretty real sister.

    What's the difference between an Australian and a computer ?
    You only have to punch information into a computer once.

    You drew the ace of spades and now I'm coming for ya. Watch your bean pole. Back in the day I woulda probably got a tatoo with ya and helped you drain the spunk from your bum but now I'm more likely to grab your pigtails and send my knee into your forehead.

    A hurricane is comin. Better make piece with your god.