Posts by Onion

    If I was Trump Id start launching cruise missiles at Putin and if he said anything Id act like I didn't know who launched them and say maybe it was Israel but we cant be sure but we'll get back to you when we learn more. Meantime keep launching them on over.

    Hello y'all, my name is Mel "Coon Dog" Cuntman. I live up Shit River, nestled under the tall pines of Pregnant Sow, somewhere USA. This is my Thanksgiving story. I swear by the light of the moon that every word is true.


    Woke up today to the sounds and smells of the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday - just a very family oriented day with good eats. I got up around 10 and Mrs Coon dog was already well into the preparations for the holiday meal. The smells of a home-cooked meal were already filling the kitchen. I started a fire in the fireplace and called the kids in for a story.


    Ah, the little ones; Dirty Cole, Shanataco , Easy Larry and Chums the dog. - 5, 7 and 10 respectively. Dirty Cole got his name because he's black. My little shit stains I call them! They take all he money I make and all the food I feed them and turn them into shit. Bahahahaha! Just kidding, I love those kids like they were my own - and they are... except maybe dirty Cole, I'm on the fence about that one.


    Anyway, me and the three shit stains sat around the fire and I told my stories, drank and did a little blow. By 11:30 I was pretty much all fucked up and kicking the dog. After awhile had to get up for my morning shit, so I put Easy in charge of the last story. I think it was when I was in the shitter clearing the decks that it all went down.


    From my perch in the shitter I took in the true sounds and smells of Thanksgiving. Time seemed to stop as I evacuated my bowels and piss hole. As I was wiping my asshole (I put some tp around my finger and really get up in there) I could hear the wife calling me to the table. I quickly pulled up my pants, took another hit off the pipe, wiped my hands down my pants and headed to the table. The bathroom has no running water.


    Whistling down the hall, I took a left turn into the kitchen as I smelled my finger. As I rounded the corner I could see that no one was fucking there! I called out.. "okay assholes, where's my fucking food god dammit! Where in Shit River are y'all hiding!!! Mother Fuckerssssssss!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!


    I was kicking shit all over the house and screaming and yelling. I got back into the kitchen and nobody was around. That's when I noticed it. The turkey platter on the dinner table with nothing but a pile of dirt on top. What the fuck? No food?? Fuck these assholes.

    I opened the oven... and nothing. Same with the fridge. Panicking, I flung all the cabinet and pantry doors open... and not a fucking thing inside any of them... nothing but piles of dirt! What in shit river is going on here?


    I spent the next few hours sitting on the couch wondering what was going on before the idea to go check around outside came into my mind. "They must be outside!" I thought. But fuck, it's been like 4 hours now! I grabbed my pig sloppin' boots and headed out to where the dirt is. Outside!


    Outside, I headed right for the weed garden out back. Overhead I could see a storm a com'n and the alien spacecraft were already becoming visible in the dusk shy. Hacking my way through the weeds I came upon a pile of dirt, kicked the dirt around and continued on through the weeds until I came across a freshly dug hole. This must be where the fucking dirt came from. "God dammit, I'm gonna kill that little bastard Cole!" I yelled out as I made my way the hole. Well motherfucker.... looks like I was too late for killing Cole. At the bottom of the hole lay a small black body. Cole. Cole was dead down there! Who could have done such a thing?? Oh my GOD!!


    Over the next hour, as the rain fell and the aliens played, I located the rest of the bodies. All of them had been dumped into freshly dug holes out in the weed garden. I felt numb... but also super hungry, so I took off to get some McRibs at Mickey D's. Fuck, those things are awesome. Why don't these assholes just keep them on the menu?


    Driving home I was thinking about what happened to all the food at the house. That's when it really hit home to me. Chums was missing. I raced home! Running to the door, I took off my pig sloppin boots. When I got inside, the 96 inch TV was playing the home movie I'd made when I was killing the family, but no Chum.


    So that's how I lost my dog on Thanksgiving.

    Went round the back of the beaner store near me and they had stacked crates of Roman lettuce by the trash. I asked one of the brown fellers hey bendayhoe what's this lettuce doing out her like this? He came back at me with a ola senior. The lettuce are for special friends like you. Free today.

    So fuck yeah, I took a couple crates. Fuck it. Why not.

    I went by my moms and gave her some and she made us a salad. I was telling her about how nice the Mexican dirt bag was and she told me they probably got something wrong with their heads.

    Are you using the drone for the inside the car filming too? I imagine you just let it hover over the paxinger seat or over the back seats while you drive and carry on.

    what are they gonna charge the guy with, having too much fun? There's no evidence that any of the ostriches got hurt very bad. He might have even been defending his self. We don't know.

    In America you couldn't make charged anyway because you aren't allowed to self criminate your self. He filmed it so that gas to be thrown out as evidence.

    holy cat whiskers what I wouldn't do to have that ride. You gotta do a few mods on them like slugnutz says but don't listen to him about the mirrors or anything else. You need to weld the shocks front and back so they don't move anymore. These bikes you need to be feeling the road or you'll become part of the road in three seconds after cob the throttle.

    Next thing you do is reverse the throttle so it goes forward. Don't ask just do that and you'll thank me later.

    Make sure you check her oil and treat her like a lady. She'll be true to you if you're true to her.

    Be careful what you wish for. One day grandma might wake up as your stealing that kiss then BOOM you're rolling on the floor having the best sext you ever dreamed of with your own granny and you find yourself preaching it to the choir. That's when reality gets pretty real sister.

    The path from 50 years ago to today was a crooked one- I'm at a fairly OK place right now, but there were many bumps in the road and it's the life style that sucks you in- selling drugs for a living, not having a real job- now I'm down to smoking a hit of weed in the evening, and a beer maybe- I'm under control as much as I've ever been, but looking back?


    If any kids today ask my advice, which they don't, I would tell them to pass on that first joint, that first pill, that first line- there's better things than being stoned, especially if you're a kid in school and plotting your life.

    I wish I could go back 50 years and take your saged advice.

    I've never tried any kind of drugs, but I missed the chance to here your good advice so now what would you have me do? I'm kinda at a loss hear amigo. Got my first wad of blow and I'm ready to ride the dragon.

    What's the difference between an Australian and a computer ?
    You only have to punch information into a computer once.

    You drew the ace of spades and now I'm coming for ya. Watch your bean pole. Back in the day I woulda probably got a tatoo with ya and helped you drain the spunk from your bum but now I'm more likely to grab your pigtails and send my knee into your forehead.


    A hurricane is comin. Better make piece with your god.


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    Barbara "babs" Bush has croaked.

    She was a strong woman with a solid back and strong jaw. A handsome woman.

    I remembered she always looked old as shit. I wonder when the last time Old George fucked her was? I guess it don't matter now. She's gone.

    Holy fuck dudes I just got out of prison. I got 6 months on bum rap of mistaken indemnity. It was a lot of shit in the bighouse but I did meet some pretty great dudes.


    When my old man finally kicked the buket I took my inheritance and drove across America. It was exactly like that movie easy riders. I even put my money in a bag and put it in my gas tank. Life was sweet for the first two days but then I needed to find some work so I could eat and get some fumes for my rig. Sixty miles and two days into my oddesty I was in dire straits.


    Enter sandman. I made camp in a community of like minded adventures in downtown LA on my second night. Met a guy who fixed me breakfast., Said his name was sandman. I looked really close into his eyes to make sure he wasn't fucking with me because how long has it been since anyone seen Sandman on the forums? Could it be? well, it was a different Sandman so put my blade away and he didn't have to die that night.


    Sitting by the community fire we talked into the night. After a long time it was just me and Sandman at the fire and he said boy aint you tired yet? I said no Sandman., That's exactly what I said. I said "no Sandman"

    He said he was going to bed but I seen him smoking up by a pile of trash that the community forgot to throw away. I had to take a piss so I headed over to see what he was doing.


    Long story made short. I saw him put someone to sleep by kissing him goodnight with baseball bat. He said now you know why I'm called Sandman., He said you know that I can't let you leave, right? I said what is this Hotel California?


    Last thing I remember I was running for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. That's when the choppers came. They shined a light on me and I started flipping them off and showing them my dick. That went on for like ten minutes. Somehow they got the jump on me while I was distracted by the light and I got subdued. Dick in hand and knocked right in the dirt. When I looked up the light was gone and I seen Sandman driving off in my Datsun wearing my wig.